Personal Inquiry
by Matsuri1
Summary: First person reflections. Duo talks about his worst fear, and how it's affected his life. Randomness and all that wonderful fun...


Look what I get to spend all my wonderful time doing... fixing my incredibly hard to read stories!!! Yeah, go me! Not really... Actually, I just happen to have 2 huge papers due this week, and need a small break. Leave it to me to do something productive. Anyway, yeah... I don't own Gundam Wing or the characters (just like most of you reading this) but I hope that was common sense. Hope you enjoy. Duo's pov, for those of you who can't tell by reading it… Inspired by the wonderful quote (the first sentence) of a totally crazed Humanities teacher from last year…  
  
  
  
  
Tact is the weapon of those lacking sarcasm… or so I've been told. Sarcasm, then, would be the weapon of choice for those lucky individuals denied, either legally or morally, a gun. Let me put it simply, I don't fall under either category. In my current profession of instigator and rebel, it's a necessity I have the latter… so I don't really know what you'd call people like me. Well, maybe deranged, but that's another point entirely.  
  
I'm not your average troublesome teen… and I am not the joker everyone thinks I am. Sure, I can't help taking a crack at someone once in awhile, but I'm not always happy. Get that straight before I say anything else. There's a damn good reason I act like it though.  
  
I was supposed to sit here and contemplate death… which certainly isn't my favorite subject. But, I realized… there's a bigger picture… there's life. And so, as usual, I'll take the unconventional route to discussing everyone's primal fear. That very fear is the reason you could say that I act so … cheerful.  
  
Life isn't kind to the kids on the street, no matter if they stay there or not. It doesn't even matter if they end up saving humanity as we know it… Out there, we're all equal. I wasn't so cheerful then… I wasn't cheerful when whatever gods that exist brought me to Sister Helen and Father Maxwell. Only afterwards… After loosing all of my gifts from fate, simply because I refused to acknowledge their value.  
  
That mask, that's what kept me from ever becoming attached to another human… I was Shinigami, the bringer of death. Anything I cared about, death got to first. I will never care… never be cared about, even by the world I saved. And most of all, I will never be loved. It could well result in the apocalypse Sister always told me about.  
  
Laughter is my solitude… It's what detaches me from the reality of living, and always will. It can dilute the most potent of circumstances… like life, love, war… I dunno, just whatever I don't want to deal with.  
  
Wars the true evil of the modern world. Petty arguments turn into bitter rivalries, and eventually end up costing the lives of millions… and that's not taking into account the money and resources everyone's so wrapped up in. My participation in it will definitely secure my place in Hell, if based solely on merit. It brings me comfort, though… to know the men I kill go on to something better. They have the luxury to leave life, the ultimate trial and most painful experience in existence. I'm jealous…  
  
As far as the suicide option goes, it isn't one. I can't imagine ending my own life, no matter how excruciating it may be, simply for the fact that it shows a total lack of self. I've been through worse, and I'll come out on top. I always do. Don't get me wrong… I don't deny the fact that I often entertain the thought, and I'd have no moral regrets if I ever stooped that low. Though, with my fear of actually dying… It'd be a hard thing to come by at the present time. Suicide is an attempt to control the inevitable, and is a lack of character. It's one of the ultimate sins, surpassed by only one other in my own opinion.  
  
Pride, in excess of course. It's the only thing worse. The arrogant who refuse to ask forgiveness for their wrongs are damned from the moment they refuse to so. Kind of a vicious cycle, eh?  
  
I'm sounding like one of Sister Helen's lessons… and the way I talk, you'd think I actually believe in God or in Heaven and Hell. Sister always told me, the only sure way to Hell is to deny God once you've known Him. Talk about booking a one way trip. But it's where I belong, for everything I've done and everything I'll do to stop this fucking war. Death, well, there are those who consider it to be me and the people like me… the end of life and the vehicle that gets you there. Then again, maybe Shinigami's just the tour guide on one of those more important journeys… either way, I think I'll keep running from it.  
  
People find it ironic when I say I'm scared of the one thing I profess to know I truly am, but I suppose you'd have to know where I came from. The things I've seen would scare you shitless, or kill you, whichever comes first. You see, every time I've ever let myself get close to anyone, they're taken from me as quickly as they came. And that is why I have to be cheerful, and at the same time, I have to let myself become what will catch up with me anyway, if only to keep it at bay a little while longer. It wasn't my death I was scared of in the beginning…  
  
The only way I could ever think of to keep my biggest fear, death, from catching up with me was to become it, as odd as that sounds. It's a comfort to know when the end finally comes, I'll be the one running away from the light at the end of the tunnel, because at least I know life, and it ain't as bad as we think.  
  
  
  
What did you think? R&R. Go ahead and tell me if I'm totally off... you wouldn't be the first (considering my best friend kinda thought i was insane after reading this... well, almost). Any and all comments are well appreciated! 


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